What Stage Are You In?

Yesterday I attended a counseling session to help process my grief, I was asked what “stage” I think I am at...

Truthfully most days, if it were an option, I wouldn’t leave my bed. 

Life having to keep moving is both a blessing and one of the hardest things I have to do each day.

There is a permanent ache for someone to be walking through daily life with me, when I was not at work or sleeping, my Little Buddy was by my side. Where I went, he went.

The constant reminders that only I stop and think about and those that I share with others bring both a smile and tears at the realization that those things are now only memories.

Then there are the times when I hear of how Jonathan’s life and my faith is impacting someone else’s life and for a small moment I think that my pain is worth it and has meaning.

I see the new series starting at church on Sunday and marvel that months ago when my pastors were seeking God, God knew exactly where I would be at and need to hear to feel that He is close and has not forgotten about me.

Then I am making plans for the girls activities and think to myself, “Where is Jonathan going to be?” Only to remember, devastatingly, I don’t have to worry about that anymore.

Seeing a picture of him at school that his teacher printed for me, and thinking, “Of course one of his shoe laces was untied.” Reading cards from his friends and seeing how special he was to each one and wondering how it can make any sense that none of us get to experience that special person any longer, breaks my heart.

Helping a friend with her daughter’s bday party and the kids start watching old videos and in runs Buddy and there’s that pull again. Going to dinner with dear friends and having a great time, but in the back of my mind always thinking of the person that is no longer here with me. Smiling on the outside, but continuously a small part is dying on the inside.

As all over the place as this is, that’s how my life feels right now. Before I felt like as a family we were walking through the different stages of each other’s life together and now there is a big missing piece and several years of milestones, memories, hopes and dreams that will never come to pass. 💔