What If I Didn’t Do Enough?
“You did everything you could, it was out of your control”.
But what if I didn’t...
What if I was randomly sent a letter to enter Jonathan into a sleep study years ago?
What if I knew I should have curbed his diet to nurture his brain better?
What if I talked many times about finding a more holistic neurologist to try different things?
What if I missed his appointment in December bc of work and rescheduled and missed that appointment bc we were at urgent care for his arm?
What if I was lax on his medication and had just started him on a new one a few months prior and should have been more on top of monitoring his seizures and their triggers?
What if we talked about getting more research done but didn’t go the extra mile to get it done?
What if I heard a still small voice whisper, “seizure” to me as I was leaving his room that night but I got distracted and didn’t even check on him on my way to bed?
What if there are so many things about that weekend and years prior that haunt my thoughts and try to pull me into a drowning abyss of regret and sorrow?
This is the last picture I took of Jonathan, I don’t think anyone knows I have it unless they’ve seen it while randomly looking through my photos.
And now all of you do, but I still couldn’t share the whole picture with you. I am thankful to have it, it’s kind of that last look that people need to say goodbye. But at the same time it haunts my dreams as I go back and look at it every so often.
Changing routine and coming back is hard, it’s almost easier to not get a break from the even keel because then emotions flood back in and erupt(like this).
I can see why people move but that would be difficult to leave all the memories as well.
I don’t have any wise words of wisdom, I think I am just overwhelmed with other decisions of life and feeling the ultimate pressure from my previous decisions.
I’m ok. This too shall pass. 💔
Update: My friend Michelle shared this verse with me and I wanted it to be a reminder of encouragement and comfort for anyone who reads this in the future. “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
Isaiah 43:18-19
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