Heartbreaking Firsts

There are a few things that we donated that I wish I could have back, but because we tend to store things randomly sometimes, I have been finding things here and there that help me breathe again.

Tonight I found the clippings from Jonathan’s first haircut. This picture is after. 🙂

As I showed it to Anthony, we did the little half smile/half cry and big sigh that has become customary when something reminds us of him. The girls do it as well, it’s a rush of 2 distinct emotions within a few seconds of each other. A happiness to find something that makes it feel like he’s here and then a rush of sadness, realizing it’s only a memory.

Firsts have been very different now. 

• The first time I walked into his room and knew that I would never be tucking him in again.

• The first time I drove in the car and he wasn’t behind me when I looked back.

• The first time I made lunches for only the girls.

• The first time I drove past his school and didn’t need to stop. Everyday I would text Katie, “Getting J now”.

• The first time I walked into church without him.

• The first time I checked the girls’ grades and he was no longer listed.

And so many other little firsts.

I long for the day when I can talk about the first time he runs into my arms again. 💔