Another Month - In The Blink Of An Eye
Last night the flashbacks were like a waterfall, rehearsing that morning and the events of the rest of the day.
On the one hand I am so thankful that I vividly remember that time, I never want to forget the last moments that we had with Jonathan's body, as we fought to save his life. On the other hand, I feel the gut wrenching feeling of not being successful and everyone's reaction as they realized that this was not like other seizures he had before.
I wouldn't be able to talk to him and see him come back to me, let him rest and then everything be as if nothing had happened. I wouldn't be able to tell him that he scared me and get a hug and a sweet smile.
There wouldn't be a sweet smile this time. As all the memories flooded my subconscious as I slept, they intersected with a dream of Buddy coming back to life and driving around with us, but things kept happening to the car; it wouldn't start and then the wheel wouldn't turn, then we ran into a big puddle and then he had a seizure in the car...what would happen this time?
I feel like that's how grief is sometimes, we wish for things to be any way other than the tragedy that happened, thinking that life would be better, if only. We torment ourselves with the what if but the what ifs never end because they just lead to other what ifs.
This night displays the roller coaster of life dealing with grief, some days are not the onslaught of memories and feelings, but some days are.
But every day I try to remember Psalm 42 - here is a beautiful song that comforted me and reminded me of God's promise to us, to be our hope and salvation.❤️Below is an Instagram post I shared on the 6th month anniversary of his passing. 
August 11, 2020 - 6 months
Tonight the girls and I read about redeeming the time, using our time wisely and for the glory of God.
“We live less than the time it takes to blink an eye, if we measure our lives against eternity...” Chaim Potok
What have we done with the last 6 months since we lost our little Buddy? Have we wallowed in self pity and sadness? Have we laughed even when we wanted to cry? Have we allowed ourselves to cry even when it felt like our hearts would explode? Have we wrestled with despair and hope; which one has come out on top? Have we heard the pitter patter of his feet in the silence of the night? Have we learned anything about the goodness of our God? Have we heard his laughter as something he found funny came on and it made us laugh and cry a little? Have we remembered that because of the great love that was shared, there is immense pain in the loss? Have we wanted to mention him whenever we introduce the girls? Have we remembered to pray for those that mourn? Have we eliminated idols that we had erected in our lives?
Have we remembered that God is faithful and sovereign and no matter what happens in this life, He is our hope and comfort? Some of those moments can drown out the voice of a faithful God. They can make us look to ourselves to put on a brave face and act like all is ok and our world is not imploding. But God wants us to cry out to him, to let him into all the moments of our lives. He will comfort us and give us the strength to continue to pursue his purpose.
God is not the god of name it and claim it, positive thinking or come to Jesus and have a perfect life. But he is the God that promises to never leave us or forsake us, that he will sustain us if we are to truly love Him with all our hearts, and with all our soul and with all our mind.
In the last 6 months, have we shared the Gospel, the only hope for a hurting world? Have we redeemed the time and drawn others closer to Him, as we draw close to him?
Because eternity depends on it. ❤️
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16
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