A Week of Despair and Celebration

Plan and Distract

The days leading up to Jonathan’s celebration of life and burial were a scurry of entertaining friends and family, pulling myself out of deep depths of despair in order to leave my bed and enjoy those from near and far, leaning on God’s word and reminding myself that Jonathan was now with his savior, free of seizures, free of sadness, free of everything broken in this world. All the planning kept me distracted and it almost felt like a dream, like we weren’t really preparing a night of closure but that we were just giving Jonathan the birthday party he had always deserved.

Jonathan's birthday was always around Thanksgiving and being in retail, family time is pretty much nonexistent, plus everyone else is traveling and busy too. This past year, we had managed to have a small last minute party for him and I am so glad that his friends have that memory of that time with him. You could see that he felt so special and excited to be celebrated with more than just cake and our family on Thanksgiving Day.

Decisions like the design for our Team Simpson shirts, planning the agenda, picking photos to print that show his personality, designing the flyer, partnering with friends to organize food, bookmarks, location for the service, who will speak and what worship songs we will proclaim into our reality, seemed like all we could control in an uncontrollable situation.

Burial Arrangements

The visit to the funeral home was extremely difficult, picking out the casket to bury him in, as if in the end it really mattered. Although, I knew as soon as I saw the black one that it was "perfect", it looked like it was straight out of Black Panther and we made it extra special by placing Captain America stickers on it and gave J a proper Avengers burial. As every super hero should get.

The scene of us driving around choosing a plot in the cemetery was surreal, thinking that a more serene area would help to mend our broken hearts when we visited. We decided on one near a pond with turtles and fish, Anthony has joked about painting a shield on a turtle shell but one hasn’t magically appeared in the pond yet. Our girls, neighbors and Zoe enjoy seeing something happy when we visit and I believe the joy they bring into those moments help to make God‘s presence visible in our situation.

In the midst of how difficult those meetings were physically and emotionally, we were so blessed to have 2 angels working with us, they truly showed God's love and peace. I made a point to ask questions about their personal/work life and thanked them so much for their care and kindness. I told them, "I wish that I had never met them but it was a pleasure meeting them".

A task that actually came easy to me was writing what I wanted to say to and about Jonathan. I knew him like no other person, I spent more time with him than anyone else, I knew what I had been focusing on teaching him and the girls. Through tear filled eyes I penned the words that were in my heart, some words I wished I never had to say. My mind still in denial of what had happened but my heart knowing without a doubt that things had been changed forever in an instant.

Celebration

The night arrived and everything was a fog, I barely cried because I didn’t have any more tears to cry, I had all these people around that were hurting too and wanting to comfort me but were needing comfort themselves. I knew that this night was much bigger than just about Jonathan, I knew that God had a chance to plant and cultivate seeds that had been planted in people's hearts. I prayed that He would be glorified and that peace, joy and fulfillment in Jesus, would be shared through Jonathan’s life. ❤️